Axis and Allies

There are certain things in my life that really make me feel good about myself: I treat people well, my parents love me, I am pretty good at the guitar. But, nothing makes me mentally suck myself off harder than the knowledge that I am practically unstoppable at the game of Axis and Allies. I mean it. I am a strategy god.

But to understand this, you will probably need a better understanding of the game itself. If you are: 1.American, and 2. Not raised under a stone, then you will probably have a memory or two of playing the game Risk. Let me first say that I also love Risk, and similarly to Axis and Allies, I am practically fucking unbeatable at that too. Having said that, after playing Axis and Allies a single time, you will agree that Risk sucks.

First off, Axis and Allies is the board game representation of World War Two. You either play as the Axis Powers or, wait for it…the Allies. The game takes forever to play, is incredibly complex, has a 60 page rule book, and is quite tedious to manage. Of course, mainly for these reasons, I love the game.

As opposed to Risk, there are a large number of different units to use. Each costs a different amount, behaves differently, and performs different function. In Risk, all you have is dudes and multipliers of dudes. In Axis and Allies there are dudes, artillery, tanks, planes, kick ass bombers, submarines, battleships, aircraft carriers, and destroyers. This is the way war board gaming was meant to be.

There are huge challenges associated with playing either side. The Axis powers dominate Europe from the onset of the game, but don’t make nearly as much money as the Allies. Also, the Allies have three teams. They start with the United Kingdom, Russia, and the U.S.fuckin’A. The Axis only have Germany and Japan. So, every turn, each Axis team is almost certainly fighting a two front war. The Allies do start with a lot of loot, but if they don’t manage it properly and attack hard right off the jump they will soon be completely overrun by Germany’s massive land army and Japan’s ridiculous naval fleet.

This has not been a comprehensive explanation of the detailed workings of playing the game. In reality for the purpose of this article, I really could have broken the explanation down even farther to “This game is about war and it is crazy fucking hard.” Either way, you now understand enough for me to elaborate on my actual point.

I am fucking good at this game. I don’t just mean that I sometimes win, and I always have a good time playing it, and I like looking back over the game and thinking about the mistakes I made to play better next time. No. I mean, I don’t lose, I dominate fools, people feel bad about themselves after playing me, and if you play me, you will learn something.

A lot of people only play one side or the other. There are a lot of arguments going around that it is harder to win with a particular side, or that the game is unbalanced. Some people care about the fact that playing with the Allies may have more challenges than playing with the Axis, or vice versa. I do not give a shit either way. Give me the Axis and I will kick your ass, and do it quickly. Give me the Allies and I will kick your ass, but it will take me a couple turns longer. Shit, if there were some way possible to play as the Swiss and the French, I’d play them and still probably kick your ass.

Anyway, the long and short here is that Axis and Allies is a great game. If you like strategy games, this one is for you. Every aspect of the game was created to be as historically accurate as possible without sacrificing gameplay. It is a masterpiece. So, go play it. Just don’t play me unless you are totally cool with getting absolutely dominated.

Patton (1970)

Tentative list of things I think kick ass: Killin’ Nazi Bastards, George C. Scott, tanks, bull terriers, good old fashioned plain talking men, hating Communism. Yep, let’s just get this right out of the way here. Patton kicks large sized portions of my ass. This movie was great.

To clarify, I’m the type of fellow that’s not particularly into biopic pieces. I’m a fiction man. More specifically, I’m a science fiction man. But nothing could matter less here. From Jump Street, Patton grabs you and really never lets go. I know that the opening scene has become an iconic part of our culture, so this isn’t saying much. However, I’ve found that a lot of the revered parts of our culture tend to be overrated anyway. With Patton, this is not the case.

This is one of those difficult films where the goal is to make the audience connect with and even love a character that has some tough traits to fall in love with. Luckily, Franklin Schaffner knew what he was doing. This movie wasn’t about the War. It was about a great man trying to conform in order to preserve his dream. Granted, Patton’s dream was to make himself famous for killing a shitload of dudes. But, nonetheless, the man had vision, and it is impossible to resist respecting him for it, and it’s obvious that Schaffner does.

I may be biased, because I have a massive hard on for Scott, and have since Dr. Strangelove, but this performance is masterful. He captures the true essence of Patton, which is no easy task. The man was revered, hated, mocked, feared, and respected, depending who you talked to and when it was that you talked to them. This is a character with so many different sides to his personality, it would take a master to do him justice on screen, which is exactly what happened.

A great portion of the movie is spent illustrating the differences between Patton and General Omar Bradley, masterfully played by Karl Madden. Bradley was shown to be a reserved and humble man, typically characteristics of someone deserving respect. It’s no different here, however, the restraint that he shows also shows us the mistakes of living a life with no driving passion. Patton’s all or nothing attitude is what ended in success, not the restraint shown by “Monty” and “Brad” on D Day.

In the end, it’s evident that all of the problems that Patton ever had were brought on himself. However, they always came on him because of the same personal characteristics that brought him success in the first place.

But, possibly the best aspect of this film is the sweeping from genre to genre in each new scene. I can’t see how any single movie fan could not love this film. You like interpersonal dramas, and hate war movies? Fine, just be patient through the tank battles, and you’ll shortly be watching a power struggle between two opposing personalities. You want to watch a rise and fall success/failure story? Just hang tight, it’s in there. You love to see shit get blowed up? Done.

Overall, this film can make you think, can make you feel patriotic, can make you tune out and watch shit explode, can take you down a path in history, and all the while was shot beautifully. As opposed to the last war movie I reviewed, Glory, this is a movie well deserving to be on the list of top films ever.

Network (1976)

Network (1976)

I’d always seen the classic clip of “I’m mad as hell…and I’m not going to take it anymore!” I thought it was in reference to a news team standing up to the network bosses and really pumping out some honest newscasts, full of journalistic integrity. I always thought that seemed like a noble premise for a movie, but in truth, I never really gave a shit about watching it.

Now that I’m watching all top 250 rated movies, I was forced into this one. And, Ho-Lee Shee-It, am I glad that I did. With the exception of Robert Duvall, I don’t know much of anything about anyone having to do with the movie,. From the writer to the director all the way down to the actors, I’m pretty much in the dark. But, it looks to me as thought I’m going to have to change all of that.

Television in the late 70’s was much different than it is now. A lot of bible belters felt that it was morally reprehensible and that is was corrupting the minds of the day’s youth but really, in terms of comparison, 70’s TV doesn’t hold a candle to the likes of Maury, Jerry, HBO, Spike, et al. Where it was once controversial to harshly question the actions of the President, it’s now completely all right to do an in depth show about 15 year old girls who loved to get fucked and think it’s time to get knocked up. Somehow, writer Sydney Chayefski saw what was to come. He’s created what was a satire at the time, but was, in fact, an accurate prediction of the current state of television.

The idea of network news selling its integrity for ratings is surely nothing new. Who’d have ever thought that shows like Entertainment Tonight and TMZ TV would come about as the top “news magazines” here, only 30 years later?

In order for this satire to have worked without coming across as a monumental joke, everything really had to be perfect: all the sub plots, the directing, the filming, and most especially, the acting. And, lucky for us, the viewers, it was.

Peter Finch’s portrayal of Howard Beale is obviously what the whole movie is staked on. His progression from depressed man to crazed fanatic is smooth, exhilarating and, most importantly, it worked. Here, though, it was the portrayals of supporting players that make the movie such a gem. From William Holden’s honorable newsman struggling with the transformation of ethics in the newsroom, to Faye Dunaway’s soulless television personified, utilizing any available weapon to claw her way to the top, to Robert Duval’s corporate shark, interested not in substance, but in profit, and of course Ned Beatty’s perfect CEO, brash, powerful, angry, and most of all the utter human representation of greed, this magnificent ensemble of bit parts make every inch of this movie a delight to relish in.

The long and short is simply that this is a masterpiece. There was not a dull moment, and the prescient nature of the film kept me baffled throughout. As the story become more fantastical, it mirrored modern television more and more. I’d not only recommend the film, but I feel like I need to watch it again.

Manhattan (1979)

There’s so much going on in this movie that it makes it almost impossible to pinpoint what, exactly, makes it such an incredibly fun movie. Between an excellently written script, marvelous cinematography, and extraordinary acting, it becomes more that just “Woody Allen’s ode to the city he loves,” as so many reviews bill it. This moves more into the realm of perfect representation of the city as a whole, and by extension, the intellectual caste of society in the late 1970s.

The first thing that must be spoken of is the beautiful combination of exquisite Jazz and breathtaking shots of the cityscape of Manhattan. The two of these play off of each other so well, that by then end of the movie, Manhattan, and in a larger part, New York City as a whole becomes the mythical Gotham to which it is sometimes compared. The effect of the black and white filming is that all the locations become less real places and more stark pictures of the ideal metropolis.

It is obvious that Allen is making an homage to the New York of his childhood. Between the lack of color and the lack of modern music, it is easy to see the visualization of a man remembering the city as he first romanticized it in his childhood, an earlier era before Technicolor and Disco. This lends so well to the story, one of man striving to understand what he’s become with age, the classic mid-life crisis.

The crisis manifests in multiple characters throughout the story in different ways, each with its own level of hilarity, inanity, and sad charm. Allen’s character, the almost despicable Isaac, is toying around with an attractive young 17 year old, Yale is having an affair and buying a Porsche, and Mary is trying so desperately to establish her own self worth in the wake of her “genius” ex-husband. It becomes a race to see whose life will melt down first.

The movie also exists on another level. There is the reference to the action that we all do of wondering weather the grass is truly greener. The whole act of Isaac being Rand’s idea of the perfect man and making his decisions based on selfish motivation plays out to the only logical conclusion with him returning whence he came and asking for the hand again of Tracey. This aspect of the plot is what affected me the most, as I’ve spent a large number of my days chasing after something else, only to find out that I don’t want it once I’ve gotten it.

But, what really makes this movie such a classic is the almost superhuman banter and wit that the characters show. The conversations throughout the entire film are ones that make you strive to have a shaper tongue. It is quintessential wit, chased after by every script and achieved by so few that keeps you laughing, but more to yourself, as opposed to blindsiding slapstick, that makes this such a wonderful watch.

In Bruges (2007)

Sometimes, Hollywood seems to think that a creative person who has shown themselves to be proficient in their own field will easily transfer their skills to the realm of directing. Most times, this doesn’t work. The most recent example that comes to my mind is Frank Miller’s directorial debut, The Spirit. Miller’s graphic novels are nothing short of genius. The adaptations of his novels into films have all been stunning and beautiful, to say the least. The Spirit is shit.

It is quite another story with In Bruges, the first film from playwright Martin McDonagh. I know absolutely nothing about this man, except to know that I will be first in line at whatever film he does next. It is easy to jump on the bandwagon of a director after only one film. It always makes me feel something akin to love for a director when their first attempt at directing comes across so well. However, this one is easily justified. On the surface, one can see why it isn’t too surprising that I fell so hard for this movie: Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, Ralph Fiennes, Irishmen, hitmen, sex, humor, drugs, etc. But, this movie is much, much more than just what lies on the surface.

In Bruges, for all its elements, is actually just a tale of redemption, and a powerful one at that. The journey to get there helps make the movie so entertaining, but in the end, the redemption of lovable, but despicable, characters is what drives this movie. There is a wonderful “twist” at the end, which tends to cheapen a good movie in a lot of instances, but is almost completely necessary here. The first half of the movie is dedicated to making you connect with the amoral hitmen throughout their “vacation” in the town of Bruges, Belgium. It is effective. By the climax of the action, I found myself strongly rooting for all of the players involved: protagonists and antagonist. This is the type of well-rounded, complete story that we so very rarely see come out of Hollywood and justifies the amount of time people like myself waste watching shit movies in the attempt to find another instant classic like this one.

Coupled with the wonderful story is the ridiculously beautiful cinematography. One could argue that it doesn’t take much skill to film a town as beautiful as Bruges and have it turn out well. But, it’s much more than that. The shots are masterful in creating moods within the viewer. The daytime shots are excellent. They remove all the fanfare of the town. The ancient city is shown as an attraction, brightly lit and appealing, and a backdrop for ignorant foreign tourists.. The beauty of Bruges becomes an actual player in the comedy of the scenes. The nighttime shots, and the excellent interior shots darken the mood and pull the action right along. The shadows elevating Bruges to an ancient, mischievous being. Bruges almost becomes one of the conspirators against the protagonists.

The haunting score invariably approaches perfection. In the lighter scenes, as opposed to breaking the mood of the score prior to these parts, there is simply silence. As the moods of the film darken, the main theme of the score continues along and simply becomes another player in the film.

The script is also marvelous. The story is continually driving toward the shocker ending, but unlike others in this genre, you’ve no idea that this is what it’s building to. The climax, while being completely thrilling, still yanks at the heart strings. And, throughout it all, the morbid sadness of the story is never once enough to keep you from giggling.

Finally, the three actors are a powerhouse, and it’s impossible to pick a best performance from the three. Farrell’s bumbling young punk, later revealed to actually have a heart, wildly swings from horrendous to hopeless to heartwarming to humorous. Gleeson’s patriarch of a hitman is such a classic father role that it makes you forget that he is, in fact a violent killer, until it’s thrust upon you. Fiennes’ obsessive crime boss starts as the classic foul mouthed boss, and blindsides you with his human side. The movie fires right up with amazing performances, and scene after scene the momentum just carries and builds.

It is so rare to see such a masterful first stroke. From the writing to the cinematography, to the casting, to the location, to the performances, to the score, the film never comes short of wonderful. In Bruges, regardless of McDonagh’s next films, will forever be his masterpiece.

Glory (1989)

Boy, oh boy. This movie has it all: all-star cast, big budget special effects, funny facial hair and fucking WAR! So, why is it that despite the fact that it’s made it onto the top 250, and it has all the ingredients of a Mitchboner [tm], it is still a big old piece of shit? Well, let me tell you.

The Civil War is the perfect example of a piece of American history that is just begging for a movie to be made about it. But, that seems to be as far as anyone thought this out. I hate to do this, because I love the man, but I’m going to have to put the blame squarely on the shoulders of the director. Edward Zwick is a man that I’d seriously contemplate stopping a bullet for because of Legends of the Fall (and Blood Diamond and Defiance were both pretty good, too). Regardless, the directing sucks in this movie. It’s almost as though no choices were made at all. They just took the script, handed it to the actors, rolled one take, and yelled “print!”, a la Edward D. Wood, Jr. There is no cohesion from scene to scene, and as a result, I kept wondering if this had originally been a made for television film. This is a historic drama, so the scenes were centered around actual events. The thing is, I don’t care. “Drama” is the noun, and “historic” is the modifier; the important part of that term is drama. When making a big budget Hollywood flick, it’s all right to take creative license with the facts. Scratch that – when making a big budget Hollywood flick, TAKE creative license with the facts. It’s fucking Hollywood.

I also blame Zwick for the poor acting in this film. I’d love to blame solely the actors, but more than a few of them had already established themselves as “dudes I want to bone ‘cause they act so dern good.” But, how little direction – or probably more accurate, how poor could the direction have been – to make Denzell come off as stale? I have to believe also that you can hand a script to Morgan Freeman and just stand back. So how is it possible that he became a vaudevillian star of melodrama? One can only blame Zwick. I’d like to put it on his shoulders for Cary Elwers’ poor performance, solely because of my love for The Princess Bride, but Elwers hasn’t been for shit in anything but The Princess Bride. This is a great example of the effect of great direction. In Bride, Rob Reiner took a garbage actor and eeked out of him a great performance. In Glory, Zwick takes fucking ace master actors and turns them to shit.

In the end, a great premise turned itself into nothing more but a cheap attempt at “feelgoodery”. A lot of times, I’m taken by that approach, and it works on me (see: The Notebook). This time I was just left annoyed.

District 9

I went and saw this last week with Paul, but it took me this long to get around to writing a review. This was not done out of procrastination, but rather, I felt like I needed to digest it for a while so that my review was more than just me repeating “FUCKING AWESOME” over and over and over.

I was not excited to watch this movie. There were a lot of things going for it, months before it was even set to release. The CGI looked good in the previews, it was shot as a documentary. And, Peter Jackson apparently loved the idea of it so much that he produced it even after his deal to make the Halo movie with Neill Blomkamp fell apart. I saw the trailer before The Dark Knight, and was floored. However, upon reading into the details of the movie, I started to lose hope. The same reasons that everyone was going batshit for it were the reasons that I was not.

The faux-documentary has been done to death, and I really felt like enough was enough. There was no way this film was going to compete in my mind with Cloverfield, so why was it trying? The CGI did look cool, but come on. Do we have to have completely immersive CGI in every film in order for it to be validated? What ever happened to stunning costume work? And Peter Jackson? Great.

Those who have known me long enough know that I’ve always been a huge fan of Tolkien. So, it would stand to reason that I’d not only love the movies, but as a result, love Jackson. However, that’s completely not the case. I may be the only fanboy out there that didn’t love the Rings trilogy, but it just didn’t do it for me. They were too long, and I found myself getting bored early on in the process, which left me questioning my status as fanboy.

This lead me to start thinking more and more about my actual love of Tolkien. As I thought about it, I thought that I MUST love Tolkien, in that I was always into all things fantasy, be it Tolkien, or Dungeons and Dragons, or Elder Scrolls. But, then I started thinking deeper into it, and I realized that Tolkien and fantasy as a whole were just stepping stones into my true nerd calling: CyberPunk.

The Lord of the Rings was great; Ender’s Game was better. Dungeons and Dragons was great; Battletech and Shadowrun were both better. Oblivion was great; Fallout 3 was better. Willow was great; Bladerunner was better.

So, fine. I just came to grips with it. I’m a fantasy nerd no longer. I am a Sci/Fi nerd. And, I’m proud of it. Gone were the days of leveling up a Half-Orc Barbarian to Legendary Status. Gone were the days of reading about Drizzdt Do Urden, Gone were the days of The Simulacrum. Here to stay were giant robots, cyborg love affairs, and distant futures ruled by shadowy corporations.

So, it’s Jackson with whom I attribute my loss of love for a genre that helped define who I am. And now, after having seen this film, I feel at one with the nerd culture as a whole as I lovingly welcome him back into my warm embrace.

This film took the ideals behind good science fiction and made them all wonderful. The documentary feel has been done to death, but never like this. The closest comparison on this aspect would be to Cloverfield, which I loved but which had nothing on District 9. The thing that made the documentary feel so powerful was the seamless use of CGI within the format. The overexposure and grainy security cameras all unapologetically blasted you with the perfectly created alien race. There was no warning, and unlike Cloverfield, they were not hidden from view, and didn’t wait half way through the film to emerge. From the outset, you are rocked not so much by the aliens as by the entire culture of the aliens and their intermittance with the human race.

The plot, while having a couple of major sized holes, is still wonderfully written. It really kept me not only wondering what was next, but hoping it would end well throughout the entire film. The performance of Sharlto Copley was outstanding. His transformation from doofus to sacrificial hero was smooth and believable, not to mention heartbreaking. And, just to round it all out, they threw in a fucking BattleMech armored fight scene.

This movie was done so lovingly and so well, it has made me want to go back and re-watch The Lord of the Rings trilogy. If Peter Jackson was this loving to the genre I know that I now love, couldn’t it be true that he was just as loving to the one that I let go? I guess it’s time to give it another chance.

Major Lazer – Guns Don’t Kill People, Lazers Do

I am obnoxious.  Periodically, I’ll rethink my life for a day or so. I’ll try to be a really respectful young gentleman.  It never last more than an hour or two.  This part of my personality drives a large portion of the decisions that I make.  Most of the things that are supposed to be major choices, to be taken incredibly seriously, end up being opportunities for me to come to a conclusion that makes me giggle, and is typically pretty dumb.

A great example of this is my car.  I started out looking for a responsible car that would be a nice, conservative method of transport to and from work (it was one of the respectful young gentleman moments).  However, shortly into looking, I stumbled across a jacked up, metallic gold 1986 Chevy Blazer with a 12 speaker system, including four 12 inch sub-woofers.  I couldn’t resist.

This incredibly intrusive system has also done a lot to shape my recent music tastes.  I’ve always had a soft step for seriously hard electronic beats, but it was never my “go to” genre of music.  Having mad booms now, however, has pushed this format directly to the forefront.  So, slowly, my tastes have evolved from fun disco house, to drum and base, to jungle, and finally resting at the hardest fucking dubstep I can get my hands on.

This is harder than it sounds.  While I’m trying to get the hardest hits around, I still need it to be musically appealing, weather for fun samples, or catchy melodies, or inventive lyrics.  Typically, I’ll download something with the highest hopes and end up falling back to Caspa and Rusko’s Fabriclive set before I make it through the whole album.  Creatively speaking, there’s not a whole lot going on, but there are so many different levels of ridiculous bass patterns, that it’s a never miss.

This search led me to an album that was a complete surprise to me, although, it probably shouldn’t have been.  I had read the reviews all over the place about Diplo and Santogold’s Top Ranking, and I had liked Diplo’s work with M.I.A. as well as his Fabriclive set.  I also really liked Santogold’s Santogold.  But, I just never put it together that this was a prime candidate for entry into the Blazer Blastfest.  Finally, it was randomly put on, and I was floored.  Instantly, I had a new fallback album.

So, when I heard about Diplo and Switch’s new album, under the pseudonym Major Lazer, I couldn’t snap it up fast enough.  The first trip through the album was fun enough for me to go on a road trip around the city for absolutely no reason other than listening to it directly again.  This album is a loving nod to Jamaican Club music, and, in my opinion, a lesson to it as well.  Guns Don’t Kill People, Lazers Do, is packed full of tongue in cheek references, ridiculous samples, and an overall joking vibe.  But, don’t let that throw you.  The music itself is incredible.

It moves all over the spectrum, sampling everything from psych out surf music to an auto-tuned baby’s wail.  There are straight bangers, club anthems, and outright Hip Hop blasts.  But, most importantly, It actually puts a fear in me that I may shatter a window in my truck, all while infecting me with melodies that I can’t stop humming all day.  This album was enough to officially cement Diplo as the official provider of noise pollution in my little corner of Garfield Heights.

Call Mi

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